Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Creature of Discovery.

An afternoon off work in the middle of the week. 

What a sweet, often underrated blessing. I mean, seriously, my leg muscles are still for a change… not hiking up massive, rugged, never-ending hills at camp. You may not realize how big of deal that is, but it’s a pretty big deal.

Right now I’m drinking an iced latte at Aroma Roasters, a cozy little coffee place around these parts, and thinking about this wild and crazy California adventure I have been on since August (minus my little 2 month stint back in Nashville). What does it mean? How has it... 

Changed me?
Disturbed me?
Energized me?
Motivated me?

…All things I will see in time, I guess.

The bit that I have seen thus far, though, has been more than encouraging. As I told my new roommate, coworker, and friend at the start of training when she asked how I liked the job, I simply like who I am out here. I feel calm most days… like the clutter in my mind is being spread out in front of me and I can see its various shades and colors for the very first time.

My fears and doubts no longer scare me like they used to. In fact, I am finding that often, I actually embrace them head-on… or at least try not to run away every time I sense that an uncomfortable, yet very human emotional battle of some kind is approaching. Just like weathermen predict a tornado by the wind’s increased speed and strength, I am coming to know myself better and finding that I can sense when certain feelings are building up inside me. I feel the wind of my internal tornado hit my face… the cloudy eyes or the shortened breath, and I know that the storm is coming. And in this season, I let it happen. 

Bring on the storm, I tell myself. 
Whatever it brings, I choose not to run.

Also, in this season, I take my time for writing very seriously and I have, in many ways, mastered the sense of alone time. Oh, and I read a lot more than I used to. You know, I actually look forward to reading every night before bed. (Should I be embarrassed to admit that?)

With this new layer of myself exposed, one may not be surprised to discover that when I retook my Myers-Briggs personality test at the start of training in January, my introverted and extroverted tendencies were tied, a very first for me. And you know what, I am more than ok with that. I have always had a sort of crush on the introverted world, anyway. 

Now. Lord knows I can live the extroverted life fairly well when I am surrounded by those who I am comfortable being a kid around (which is a lot of you...), but I think what's different in this season, is I have learned how to enjoy myself more.  I have come to realize...

Hey… I kind of like myself

And if I am completely free under my own skin, I don’t really need anyone to tell me that they like me because I like me

And sometimes, that’s all you need in life… to genuinely like yourself.   

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