Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a little elf friend follow you around all day?? A quarter your height, glued to your heels, more loyal than a dog?
I know, creepy right?
Hopefully I haven’t offended any elves out there. (I may have just accidentally started a major outbreak of battle and protest in the North Pole… whoopsy). I guess what I’m getting at is, I just wonder sometimes what it would be like to have someone (anyone) whose sole purpose in life was to follow me and cling to my side beyond debate. They would, almost effortlessly, come to know my habits, my daily routine, my robotic tendencies, just when I thought no one was watching.
Again, I know my imagination can be odd at times, but I have to ask… What would my little elf friend say about me? About all the countless odd quirks and abnormalities I try so desperately to hide in crowds of people?
Just act normal, act normal, I tell myself in fear.
Don’t expose the real you, it could scare them away.
It’s funny, really. Sometimes I feel like I know myself so freaking well, that I am my own little elf friend, able to pull back at any moment and look down at myself in third person with nothing but ease. There I place myself in the perfect position, the perfect stance, like I am on some relentless mission reporting back to a boss with earplugs, ready to make lots and lots of money by my bold predictions. On the other end of the line, my boss listens intently with his combed-back hair and good-for-nothing stamina, holding with ever-increasing force, my very job on the line. And I try, so very desperately, I might add, to predict my next move… Ohh.. I know this one, this is when I start crying. Or, This is when I dive head first into my imagination with all desire to escape reality… Just wait, watch. Mark my words, boss. And within seconds, I become the overzealous, overconfident commentator at Alabama football games who
I mean, whatever happened to living for that element of surprise? That moment of unexpected chaos where we actually stand still in our tracks and respond to… well… ourselves? That moment that our “gut reaction” suddenly becomes real and is completely and utterly, in all forms of the word, unpredictable.
I mean, we are human, right?! Not machines ready to be managed and controlled beyond reason. Our very existence on this grand earth is miraculous and leads to something, Someone, rather, that is simply beyond words, beyond description. We, the created, have hearts and feelings, minds and spirits, that are not meant to be recorded, memorized, or saved away in some document deep within ourselves so that we know what to do next time a similar situation occurs.
Let’s be honest.
I know that sometimes… maybe a lot of times… I can certainly pride myself in just that: knowing myself. You might even hear me boast from time to time that during my year away in Wine Country, Middle-of-the-Forest, Solitude-on-Steroids, California, that there, I truly “found” myself. I am beginning to wonder, however, if there really is such a thing as that…? Perhaps we…or to be more specific, I… can use that phrase as a safety net, to make myself appear more manageable, easily accessible, more I don’t know… understood?
But do we ever truly arrive at that place? “Finding ourselves”? What if, perhaps, we are worth more than that? I mean, it’s no secret: I believe that we as humans are designed so intricately, so brilliantly, that to boast in something as foolish as “finding yourself” is mere nonsense.
Perhaps instead, there are layers beyond layers of “self” in us that change with every season, every new relationship, every up and down of your (and my) life. And that doesn’t mean that we necessarily lose hold of what was there either. That doesn’t mean that we failed in any way whatsoever. No, when these new layers of “self” appear inside of us, we must see it as a new awakening to a piece of the inner soul never yet discovered. And that truly is a beautiful thing. A gift meant to be cherished, explored, even. It’s kind of like meeting ourselves all over again in a way.
So. Here we arrive.
Today I choose to embrace the newness of self, of my self. I choose not to run away and hide when I see myself act outside of my typical “boundaries” or expectations, but to see it as raw beauty acting out, stripping away from all chains of pretend.
What a glorious thing.