Sunday, September 29, 2013

Let the Water Fall


This weekend I went camping with strangers.
Strangers that soon became friends.

We were an odd bunch, really.
All from different walks of life with different stories, different opinions.
Different Attachments, Detachments.
Accents, Travel Experiences.
Reasons for moving to Nashville.
Reasons for coming on the trip.

Some were simply bored and needed an easy getaway. Some do this nearly every weekend. Others told stories of their recent ex: husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends. And they just needed some fresh company. Fresh stories. Fresh faces.

But we all had some sort of deep appreciation for nature- being in it, a part of it, walking under it, through it. We spent our weekend treading on tree roots, our pulse pressing into theirs. Talking about bears but thankfully not seeing any. Talking about spiders and seeing plenty.

We jumped across the creek on rocks bigger than our beds at home, all in hopes of standing underneath a considerably enormous and unruly waterfall. Many of us did and we spent every second laughing like children. Eyes wide and mouths open, as the mist fell on our hair and clothes like pebbles. 

Sometimes that’s what life is to me- just hiking to the waterfall. Hiking to that unbearable source of life, that wild taste of tangible beauty, where we simply let the sound of the falls become the beat of our heart. Her mist becomes our breath. And her playful spirit gains every ounce of our attention.

And all we can do is let our gaze exceed our thoughts as we throw our heads and arms up to this incredible source of wonder.

And somehow we feel protected, loved, cared for. Somehow we feel more like ourselves than we have ever known. Our real, exposed, naked selves.

How I wish to spend my days under the waterfall.



The Divine Creep


Sometimes my emotions seem to take over my day.
Own my day.
Choke my day.
Collapse wholeheartedly into every passing Hour.
Minute.
Breath.
Blink.

Before I even know what’s hitting me, they sneak up from behind, boldly strutting over my shoulder like a shadow-less spider creeping in. Light-footed and fast. Intricate and detailed. Terrifying yet oddly appealing, requiring more than just a glance.

I shyly surrender to these odd creatures, completely ignorant to their direction, their timing. I am blindly and eagerly led into the deep wilderness of Despair, Loneliness, Extreme and Utter Joy, not knowing what to do with any of them.

Like a rock to the windshield, I am caught breathless as my first few mindful layers are in fist-clenched denial.

Until.
Until the split forms.
The ice breaks.

Like an abrasive, uncompromising gash on my glass heart, my weak spots are revealed. And yes, some see it as that. Weakness. But I choose not to. I refuse, even.

One, because that’s just where I’m at.
Or maybe who I am.

And two, because my emotions have the divine capability to awaken me to what’s real. What’s eternal.

Through the revelation of these domestic beings, layers of my internal scabs are gently, sometimes ruthlessly ripped away as I see new colors and feel new textures of myself.

And that, to me, is worth it.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

A Green Meadow


Sometimes I feel like the ground beneath me is moving. Just hurtling by, plunging forward in utter abandon, at an accelerated speed I have never known. And I am screeching at the heels, trembling in terror, every living cell in me refusing to move with it. My skull plummets to the back of my head, fingers become numb. Mouth dry, eyes soaked, head dizzy.

And I am lost. 
Lost in my own skin. 
Lost in my own breath. 
Lost in everything I once knew to Be. 
To Exist. 
To Thrive.

Yet here I stand swirling around in invisible chaos. Striving to know what’s real and what’s not. What's tangible or illusional. What's relevant or a waste of my time. Which emotions do I believe, depend on? Which ones do I choose to ignore and turn my back on the wind of frailty? So desperately I wish that life was as simple as coloring Barbie on my front porch, just dreaming of a meadow.

A green meadow. 
With so much space. 
So much life. 
No clutter. 
No fears. 
Just a meadow.

How I long for my mind and my heart to be like that meadow where nothing can interrupt its peace. Nothing can disturb its tranquility.

Longing for the meadow today.